Getting 60 Mpg in Your SUV©
by The Crankee Yankee
With gas prices reaching a crisis, the Crankee Yankee (evil twin of the Frugal Yankee), has compiled a list of ways to save more gas than ever before. You probably heard of hypermiling. There are web sites where advocates enumerate over 100 gas saving tips. Some make sense, some are mind-bogglingly absurd. However, they missed a few important ones. As a public service, the Crankee Yankee reveals them to you now. Remember, these aren't for everyone and only experienced drivers should try them.
• We all know why parents are placed on earth, to mooch off them as much as possible. One way to save on gas is to borrow their car and never fill it up. This technique has been practiced by teenagers since the Model T and its place in American culture will find new ascendancy during this fuel crisis. Estimated savings: 9 mpg
• Spread copious amounts of KY jelly all over your car to cut down on wind resistance. Your car will glide through the air. The down side is if you live in a bug-gy area, splattered insects will be hard to scrape off the car. Estimated savings: 2 mpg
• Teach your kids to be self-reliant. This comes in handy as you eliminate their extra-curricular activities. Instead of ballet class, soccer, baseball or karate, teach them to amuse themselves with an old barrel hoop, tossing a ball in the air, or watching moss grow. Estimated savings: 15 mpg in the suburbs, 2 mpg in the cities.
• We all know removing excess weight from a car increases mileage, but why stop at cleaning out the trunk? Strip the vehicle to its bare essentials. Remove hubcaps, take out the back seat, remove the trunk lid, and unhinge the doors. Anything that can be removed, do it. The more you take off the better your mileage. Estimated savings: 10 mpg.
• Punch a hole through the driver's side floor, large enough for both legs. Then Fred Flintstone it. Your feet may get tired and even calloused but think about the number of gallons you are not buying. Estimated savings: 5 mpg, but a lot of skin burns on your footsies.
• For those who make many unscheduled stops during their chores, like getting a soda at a convenient store or stopping to see if the new videos have arrived, we highly recommend driving naked. You’ll be surprised how this will inhibit your spur of the moment stops. The downside is if you live where lots of semi trucks drive by. They may slow down, ogle and perhaps even crash. Estimated savings 3 mpg.
• Learn the unwritten laws of the road. For example, "the common law green light". This light is found mostly in the bigger cities. It’s the light that is red for so long, you assume it is broken and proceed. Be careful. Other drivers may not know this little known law. Estimated savings: 1 mpg
• This one is for people who live in hilly or mountainous regions of the country. It's very simple. Go down hill all the time. Estimated savings: 3 mpg
• This tip is a bit drastic, but it does have its upside, especially if you like the Home Shopping Network. Become a shut-in. You won't be driving and your savings will be enormous. Of course, you will exist on delivered pizza and meals on wheels, but consider the money not going to feed the bottom lines of those avaricious oil companies. Estimated savings: incalculable.
• We haven't tried this and to be honest, we were inspired by FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF. Drive in reverse. Your speedometer will go backwards so when you calculate mileage vs. gas usage, it should be a negative number. Estimated savings: Principal Rooney's salary.
• Contact Doc Brown and see if you can convince him to sell you a Flux Capacitor. Be sure it isn't one of the earlier models. Insist on the Mr. Fusion version. Estimated savings: old coffee grounds and banana peels.
• For the politically minded, go to the extreme right, as in conservative. Then market forces will propel you to your destination. Estimated savings: Government mandates are best ignored.
• How many times have you seen a driver who is a cowboy? If you're one of them, this next tip is for you. It requires a convertible, rodeo skills and a predilection towards risk taking. As you're driving down the road, approach a truck with a hitch. While steering with your knees, stand up in the convertible, grab your lasso and snare the trailer hitch. Then place your car in neutral, sit back and enjoy all the money you’re saving. One downside is stopping. If you're not careful, sudden stops could have you end up under the truck sans your head. Estimated savings: a big brass belt buckle saying 'Champ' or zipper stitches a la Frankenstein’s monster.
• Finally, we reach back to our college days for this last one. Back then, we had no money our car was usually untrustworthy (i.e. unsafe), so we resorted to the old stand-by. We are recommending that now: hitchhike. There's no cost, you meet interesting people and you get fresh air. One word of caution, never get into a car where the driver has an axe or looks like Rutger Hauer. Estimated savings: a small fortune, enough to buy a new SUV.
